My partner is a warrior and I am warrior too!!

How do you deal with, when you can't move beyond the messy middle, wondering if you'll ever make it to the end, We've all been there, warrior. Longing for the hope of a happy ending, but tripping over trials along the way.

My partner is a warrior. (Uma) I'm grateful to God and my partner for making me a warrior too. Arun is a brave soldier and he serves in far-flung or field areas, who guards our borders, who put his life on the line to take on bloodthirsty terrorists in hostile terrain.

Two months after we met, we became friends. Thereafter, we were in touch through letters and calls. Arun was posted to Dehradun and I was in Mumbai. After 3 years, we got married and settled in Dehradun. We were madly in love and spent our entire-month-long honeymoon cooped up in our new little home.

Before long, it was time for Arun to go on his mission, and saying good-bye to him that first time, was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. Even though I knew from the start that day would come, but no amount of mental preparation could steel me for it.

No one told me beforehand, but when you are married to a soldier, you live in constant, sickening, paralyzing fear, from the second day they leave, up to the moment they return home. Every morning, I feel why does this morning come so soon? It seems like I just went to bed, weary from one day's battle, when the blast of my alarm trumpets the onslaught of a new one targeting my mindset. I can hear them chanting as they begin their march around in my head. These are the readiest of wrong thoughts whose only desire is to pierce my heart like flaming arrows reminding me of yesterday's failed attempts and tomorrow's fears.

But that's when I hear the whisper. The words that Arun made me memorized before. It begins to rise as I struggle for focus. I let it take on its own voice until it drowns out the doubt that kept me here.

It's time to take action. I will rejoice in the day which God has made for me and be glad in it. Yes, this is what I practice.

Is it always that easy? No, of course not. There is the ever-present uncertainty in me, not knowing, where he is, what is he doing, if he is alright? It's not easy but the hope of family, friends, and Arun's optimistic approach towards life had always made sure of the victory. It's my mindset which helps me to win the battles not just in the world, but within me. I always learn to gather the strength and lean in, even on the hardest of days and scariest nights. I know I am not alone, like me a lot of women, struggling with the same fears. I don't know how they do it, how they are so strong, carrying on with their lives as usual.

We see each other maybe once in 6 months. After every trip when he returns, I walk into his warm embrace and his strong arms surrounding me, makes me feel of the cold fear of the long months fading away. That time I feel I am blessed with more time together and a lot of people couldn't say the same.

Now as the time has passed I could feel the change in me, fear is there but restlessness is gone maybe because I have a part of him with me. We have a three-year-old son. Our son has lighted up our lives and hearts. On the days when the longing for him becomes too much and the fear wants to swallow me, I just sit down with our memories, because that is the only hope for the future. I feel like there are no words to speak of an army man's passion for his country.

*****

We only celebrate our Jawans once they have lost their lives, but we need to celebrate them every day. We also need to spare a thought for their families... like the wives who wait for them with trepidation, often struggling alone to bring up a child. We even can't imagine how dreadful their life is. Let us not waste our precious energies to only know what it is and just pray to make it what it should be!!

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The real freedom- with or without in-laws #two sides of a story

"Rahul! I cannot live in your mother's bondage, I want a separate house where I can breathe freely." on seeing Rahul, Pallavi screamed. It was just that Kishore Ji had seen Rahul and Pallavi going to the party, and asked them to return home early by 10 p.m. But this was not the first time, Pallavi was fed up with all these restrictions.

After few days Pallavi visited her friend's house for the Kitty party, she asked Kiran to find a house for her. 

Kiran asked- what's the matter Pallavi, why you need a house?

Pallavi replied, "Kiran! I do not like to live in slavery and in a restricted environment at the behest of my in-laws"

Kiran protested -"Pallavi! You know what one day like you. I too got separated from my mother-in-law".

That's why you are free, Pallavi said it mockingly.

When Pallavi said in a tweet, the tone of Kiran was filled with sadness, Kiran was five years older than Pallavi.

Pallavi continued adamantly, "Achha, tell me if you were living with your in-laws, would you be able to freely move around in your choice of clothes or your beloved shorts? 

Would you be able to skip making dinner and order food from outside so often?

Would you be able to attend late-night parties sometimes?

Would you be able to sleep till late on weekends?

Would you be able to chill with your legs on your couch watching your favorite series and sipping a hot cup of coffee?"

I know all such things may not be verbally imposed on a daughter-in-law, but all of this goes without saying and is implied by default. I am not at all ready to carry on such pressures and live a life-changing plunge of living".

Kiran was totally baffled and didn't know what to say, yet she managed and said- Yes, of course, there are some restrictions when you stay with your in-laws, but you are looking only one side of the story.

But the truth lies somewhere between, since then I have become a slave, which I considered to be slavery, in fact, it was freedom.

How come? Pallavi asked!

When I was in my in-laws house, I never bothered who has come, who hasn't come, as I was the daughter-in-law, I never opened the door. Both the children were taken good care of, by their grandparents. I was never restricted to go anywhere.

My mother-in-law always helped me in all the household chores, which has become a burden now.

Although there were some rules to be followed, which were actually right, but in the excitement of youth, borderline was not wanted.

I didn't even like that my husband after coming from the office directly go and see his mother first.

So, then Pallavi's eagerness increased.

I refused Shitij in every way, he was not ready to part ways for good, as he knew that his parents were his prior responsibility but I forcefully took him to a different house as living with them 24/7 was impossible for me, as I wanted to enjoy our lives together at our own whims and fancies, without any supervision all the time- said Kiran.

Then- Pallavi asked?

Then what, I was enslaved to the doorbell, maid, children, laundry, grocery, Shitij all the time.

I was restricted to go out on my own, as their homework, exams, and sometimes their health was the issue. The children cannot be carried everywhere, even cannot be left alone.  I hardly remember when was the last time, we hung out with our friends, no parties, no celebrations, no We-time,  as all these was easy going when we were with in-laws. Expenses aside, Shitij is no longer happy, Kiran's eyes become moist.

Then why didn't you go back? asked Pallavi.

How could we, it was such an embarrassing situation for us, Shitij once told to his parents, but his father denied, saying," Once we have handled ourselves with great difficulty, now we are not ready to bear the second jerk, you should stay there now where you are."

Oh! Pallavi sighs.

Pallavi! It's very easy to step out of the house, but as long as you live in the shelter of the parents, you don't even feel a little bit of the outside pats, more freedom you enjoy when you stay with the parents, but we don't like it. Once you are separated, you come to know that in the name of freedom, you have put chains in your feet.

As I am elder than you, and based on my own experiences, I would suggest you- never take this step without proper thinking and understanding, as I am the sufferer in front of you.

Kiran's words had hit Pallavi hard, and her thoughts kept conflicting. She couldn't get her heart and mind in harmony. Her heartfelt- she didn't want slavery-like Kiran. She was mumbling with the moving steps towards the house. She decided as soon as she will reach home she will take the blessings of her in-laws by touching their feet and will apologize for all the blunders she had done and will always stay with them.

*****

Numerous couples live with their in-laws out of force. I hope my article shed some light on those in distress and relieve you of the pain. Moving away from your parents is viewed as being immoral, a means to escape the responsibility of the aging parents. But expectations are too high, that it seems difficult to maintain a healthy relationship for both the sides involved, and the major sufferer is the son, he is unhappy due to the constant bickering and expectation to take sides. Pallavi was right to some extent, that how much cool in-laws one have, there are always self-imposed limits one needs to follow. Moreover, the way of living has to be altered drastically. But again, a big question is that- "Are these things big enough reasons to justify separating a son from his parents?"

Actually, it would be unfair to blame anybody, either the in-laws or the girl, it's better to always prefer grey rather than black or white.

Lastly, I would say "Parents are not kept together, Parents are to live with."

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The way you look at it - Grandma's tale #two sides of a story

 The streaks of clouds trailed across an azure sky. The whispering music of the breeze could be heard clearly. The chirping of birds had a different melody. The sun continued to shine, but the clouds opened up and it started raining. There was a mild drizzle and the bright sunshine of summer. In the sky was a bold, bright, clear rainbow. Meera gazed in amazement at the rainbow, through her window pane, the resplendent beauty unhindered by the tall buildings. She was so excited, she called out to each one, Mom, dad, grandma, please come and see this! Everyone rushed out to see what was up?

Meera, we are used to it, and they all went back to work. After a while, Meera's dad called her, Meera come- we will do some homework. While sitting with her dad, Meera asked- Dad, do you know when exactly the rainbow appears?

Meera, the rainbow is the combination of seven colors, that appear in the sky when the sun's rays are reflected by the rainwater; and the colors of the rainbow are known as VIBGYOR.

Grand-Ma added- In the olden days, it was a belief that there was a true love between the Sky and the Earth, and as fortuned they never met, so whenever they missed each other, tears dropped in the form of rains and so as the rainbow appeared as the symbol of their love. The room turned out into giggles and laughter, after hearing grandma's perception.

A rainbow moreover signifies, we may be different in color, language or origins, but united only. It is also known as Indradhanush in Sanskrit- Meera's mom signed off from the kitchen.

So, ultimately, it depends on the way you look at it- said, Dad!

Grandma nodded, the same thing appears different depending on the way you look at it- I can tell you one story on this Meera.

Once a little girl named Elsa. was heading towards her Grandmother's house to see her. The way she chose was going through the woods. On her way, she found a little animal squirrel who was lost in the woods and searching his family, Meera looked around but couldn't see anyone so she took him along with her to her Grandma's house. On inquiring, she explained the whole incident to her  Grandmother. She gave him food, played with him, and took good care of him. She was very happy as she found a new friend to play with.

Whereas grandma found squirrel gloomy sitting silently in one corner, she asked the reason for his sadness. He also explained the same experience as the little girl Elsa said to her grandma, but his perception was that Elsa kidnapped him, kept him away from his family, snatched his freedom, and forcibly keeping him.

We all see what we choose to see. You can't help someone to see the world differently unless they are willing to change the story they believe in!!

**** 

When we read a good book or watch a movie for the first time it is so easy to believe that we now have a full understanding of all that we have just read or seen. Then at the later point, if we read the book or watch the movie for a second time, we almost discover some other things- may be important or unimportant which we missed the first time around. So, it's all a matter of perspective, every story has good and bad in it. In order to gain a perspective of the bigger picture, try to see the finer details and further improve your understanding. Every story has two sides or faces and the truth lies somewhere between.

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Why we write? # Two sides of a story

Like every coin has two sides a head and a tail similarly every story has two sides or two perspectives. How often have you heard about this expression? It's frequently used to describe a situation where two people couldn't quite get along, or when a conflict cannot be resolved to everyone's situation.

Take some examples- A husband and a wife, both are parents but their views to raise their children may differ, however, the idea behind is the same to make them a good human being. 

Now come to the business world- A manufacturing unit, whose production and supply completely depends on the consumption pattern, likes and dislikes of the consumer. If demand increases supply has to be increased to meet the point of intersection, Worldwide consumption and production is a driving force of the global economy. If it does not get along with each other, the economy could not sustain it. Humans have unlimited needs but the planet has limited capacity to satisfy them. So who is right? The answer is as long as they cannot appreciate one another's viewpoint, they will never get along. This simple logic is applied everywhere.

As we all have heard about the theories of what sets an author on a journey to write, what motivates him, how and from where does he get the ideas and words, and the articulation to put those together effortlessly into poems, articles, blogs, or books. 

Some people write to express themselves, as talking for them does not make any difference but the power of words does wonders. Some write to cope up with the painful experiences, when people are stressed out by the certain situations, writing can tame those qualms. It provides a sense of peace by expressing their feelings. Some try to make difference in the world like Shakespeare. For some writing pieces is their Dreamland or Disney land where they come up with their beautiful fictions like- Harry Potter books and movies. Some write to earn money. Some write to learn and improve by the way of writing. Some write to make name for themselves, "desired to be remembered after death". Some write for fun- time pass activity. Some write to gain attention like - celebrity bloggers. So, there are uncountable reasons for why one writes?

The truth is that every action starts through imagination and ideas. Whether we talk about the Newton's law of gravitation, or the American business magnate Bill Gates and his ideas of coming up with Microsoft. It is, however, a strange feeling how a small idea, if paired up with the right thought creates magic. This is where the thinking comes into play. Thinking transforms the ideas into plans and these plans can further lead to their execution and finally fruition.

I also feel that there is nothing more intimate and romantic than displaying your love through your writing. The process of writing releases dopamine in me, Writing in its essence, is a soul soother. As the pen hits the page or fingers tap on a keyboard, there comes the beginning of the personal expression. 

But will it be destined to live on the taste and flavor of writing from the viewpoint of writer's alone?

The simple fact is this- if you want your story to be heard, you need to tell in a way which is interesting for the person on the receiving end, not just in a way which is interesting to you. It's like putting yourself in their shoes, not just once, but every time that you communicate.

We believe that time taken to prepare a piece of communication is much more longer maybe 30-40 times than it takes to deliver it. So always think, think and rethink - how is this going to sound to them? Just watch how much more energetic your readers become when you communicate in a way that is much more relevant for them.

So always remember there are two sides to a story. And if you want your story to cut through them you need to think how that story sounds to you readers as well as satisfies you with your happiness and quenches your thirst for writing.

Why is sex so complicated sometimes? # it's complicated

It is a sultry Friday evening and I(Shreya) am on my way to my friend's (Aarohi) apartment, after work. Aarohi seems quite irritable through the one hour of a cab ride. As we enter the elevator, she attends to a short phone call from her husband- Aarav, while disconnecting the call, she mumbles "no fun, no break, no sex..... just work and responsibility all the time". 

I am surprised because she is a pretty lady, full of life, an awesome wife, a doting mother, and a great human being. Aarav is also a good looking, smart, and charming guy with a great sense of humor and she matches him in all fronts. Not only me but everyone around her imagines that they are the perfect happy couple with a great sex life and I had known them for the 4 to 5 years of being married.

It made me wonder how beautifully she had carried all her pain inside so secretly, no one was able to identify the pain behind her fake smile. The very next moment I asked her - Did I hear correctly, what you just said?  

Aarohi replies- Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been. Aarav and my relationship runs so deep, that we know for sure that even if the world turns against us, we will always have each other. There were times when our loyalty towards each other was put to test and we both sailed through the storms with absolute grace and ease. We are more connected. We laugh easier, we laugh quicker, we see each other and offer grace. And yet we still struggle to connect sexually- It's complicated! We are not able to maintain the intimacy quality and sometimes the quantity as well in our marriage.

Sex is always supposed to be "easy" and fun "part" about marriage. That would be amazing, wouldn't it? If it was always carefree and full of pleasure, without any kind of expectations or negative feelings involved?

But the heartwrenching truth is that we have different sex drives, Aarav is so tired after working so long, that he is not in the mood, he is giving all his time and energy to his career, and it's directly impacting our sex life. He wants it less and now feels like its a chore or marital duty. It creates a sense of rejection and loneliness every time a pass is batted away.

The reality is that I am rarely on the same level, so how do I keep this sensitive issue from ruining other areas of our relationship?

Aarohi! Don't base your marriage only on sex, sex is just one ingredient towards intimacy. Just because you are not doing like bunnies, doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Look at your emotional connection, not just your physical. Go on date nights if possible, take frequent walks, ask open-ended questions, stay curious about each other and most of all Quality over quantity is more important when it comes to sex!

But Shreya, as days are passing by, due to lack of a healthy sex life I am suffering insomnia which in turn leads to anxiety and depression.

Aarohi! Why don't you approach him and try to rekindle your love life?

Shreya! I have approached him many times, some nights turn out so fascinating but that is like once in a blue moon. But some nights are so dark that he questions me-" What's wrong with you? Is this all you want? Is marriage a license to do only sex?"

I have asked him - Why he is not interested in sex so often? Does he even remember when was the last time he touched me? But he was unable to explain what had gone wrong. Although he is a caring husband. He make sure that I and Ansh( my son - 2 years old) live a comfortable lifestyle. He work hard to achieve all his goals. I always lie about our sex-life to our friends because I am scared of the outcome- what everyone would think? As we are the youngest couple in family and friends. In six years of our marriage, we share many things in common but we miss the beat with our sex drive. 

Don't we all have desires? Don't we all want a healthy sex life? I am jealous of my friends when they share their sexual adventures.

Aarohi! ask him how he likes to connect physically and emotionally. They are not mind readers. Be specific and very explicit, that it makes you feel valued and loved. It is about feeling wanted, feeling connected. Do not sit there silently or verbally protesting about the problems, rather in love communicate early and often. Sexual intimacy starts with emotional intimacy, and you already mentioned that you have a good bonding, so grab this and take it in a positive way and try to snatch his good time for you.

*********

Most married couples encounter the same version of this feeling at some point of time in their married life due to diverse reasons. Sex is not only a physical connection, but an act of love which makes the partner feel valued and loved. A sex-starved marriage is one where one spouse is desperately longing for more touch, more closeness, and more physical affection, because it is about feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling connected, which other spouse is thinking "what's the big deal"! It is just sex.

And when this major disconnect happens, it places the marriage at risk of infidelity or divorce. Communicating things make the things easier and develop a deep sense of trust.

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THE MIRROR OF MEMORIES!!

 

THE MIRROR OF MEMORIES

 

Knock, Knock

Who is there?

“Year 2020”

Anxious, I am thrilled

I wonder how will it be?

 

The year gone was colorful and wonderful,

Indeed, the mirror of memories.

Self-confidence and inner belief

Choices and relief,

Beauty in imperfection,

Freedom and introspection.

 

But who thought, When I will look into the mirror,

The scariest thing I would ever encounter,

It wouldn’t be a ghost, or a big monster,

It would be none other than the reflection of the year 2020.

 

The creator of the world,

Implemented basics to our guide,

But we swelled up so bigger,

Due to immorality, greed and pride.

 

There’s a pandemic,

Fires, crashes, and locusts everywhere,

Cries of fear, and the taste of despair,

Which is hard to repair.

In these uncertain times,

We navigate the new normal,

We wear the mask that grins and lies,

It hides our cheeks and shades of our eyes.

 

The mirror’s law is clear- an eye for an eye,

But it can’t see,

The bad supersedes the good in it,

How the whole world is getting together,

Bonded, in spirit,

Praying for blazing victories,

People meditating,

And everyone healing.

 

Like a lantern lighting up a place,

Miracles will occur and we will blaze.

When the danger will pass,

And people will amend their ways for the new,

Every simple act of kindness, will be given it’s due.

 

With mixed emotions, Saying good-bye,

Year 2020 will always be in memories thereby.

 

 

 

 

Mommy wants to stop being mommy!! #it's complicated

 This morning was like every other. My eyes struggled to open as I dragged myself from the threaded waves of bedsheets. A new day with more of the same.

Dishes were piled in the sink, my kids' toys, and my husband's clothes scattered everywhere. It sends me into a cleaning frenzy.

Through the first cup of coffee, I'm the most unlikeable protagonist: angry and restless for no reason. I danced through the morning, a dizzying array of choreographed routines to get my kids ready for their school. Lunches were packed, chores were complete without giving my thought the chance to stack and investigate. I moved, and I kept moving and I didn't stop until the day's end.When I heard my kids and husband calling my name in the evening, I said to myself- Mommy is done!! Mommy wants to leave, Mommy wants to stop being Mommy for just five minutes.

My exterior says I'm strong, confident determined, brave, fearless, and resilient. Inside I'm weak, insecure, dark, and broken. I feel defeated and too tired to even cry. And then, the rage sets in. I try to calm my anger by counting 1 to 10 before I start yelling. 

I can be all the things everyone expects me to be, at the same time, the fire inside me will eventually consume me, if left to its volition. My heart hurts because I love my family but I lose my temper over and over. I wonder where my smile went. I wasn't always this way though. Why I face difficult emotions ranging from anger to sadness?

There are some days , when I may not interact with anyone at all. Social isolation leads to sadness and resentfulness. One of the main reason of my behaviour is a lack of appreciation. I work 365 days in a year, with no sick time, vacation time or time paid off. Even though I have been busy during the day I am  always pinpointed what I did during the day. I work hard to maintain my relationships because that's where my life is focussed on.

Today while sleeping my younger one said- "Mom, when I see you smiling, I love that moment, but it seems you have forgotten how to smile?" That was the real clinche for me, I need to do something to break this cycle, so it doesn't affect my kids. I saw the acceptance of real version of me- the one not buried by the sadness and depression- in my child's eyes. At the same moment , I decided , so tomorrow when I  will open my eyes, I'll try to start my new day differently, will join mom's group, club or gym, so as to boost my happiness and will allow some personal me time each week to satisfy me and spread the happiness around me.

No matter what I feel, or what the day might bring I will be always there sunshine.

******

BEYOND THE POINT  I would say 

" Make the most of yourself, for that is all there for you".

So often as humans, we believe we need to push ourselves beyond what we can handle. When we give ourselves so much, we start to lose our individuality. Saying NO to someone just to have ME TIME  means we are strong enough to be alone without fear of judgment or worthlessness. It's always motivational to know that we are worth it and can love being alone. 

***

DEAR READERS,

Please do share your views in the comments box, isn't it tough to raise kids, it requires lot of patience, as well as unique and silent changes within the mom. Do you think the same?

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