It is a sultry Friday evening and I(Shreya) am on my way to my friend's (Aarohi) apartment, after work. Aarohi seems quite irritable through the one hour of a cab ride. As we enter the elevator, she attends to a short phone call from her husband- Aarav, while disconnecting the call, she mumbles "no fun, no break, no sex..... just work and responsibility all the time".
I am surprised because she is a pretty lady, full of life, an awesome wife, a doting mother, and a great human being. Aarav is also a good looking, smart, and charming guy with a great sense of humor and she matches him in all fronts. Not only me but everyone around her imagines that they are the perfect happy couple with a great sex life and I had known them for the 4 to 5 years of being married.
It made me wonder how beautifully she had carried all her pain inside so secretly, no one was able to identify the pain behind her fake smile. The very next moment I asked her - Did I hear correctly, what you just said?
Aarohi replies- Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been. Aarav and my relationship runs so deep, that we know for sure that even if the world turns against us, we will always have each other. There were times when our loyalty towards each other was put to test and we both sailed through the storms with absolute grace and ease. We are more connected. We laugh easier, we laugh quicker, we see each other and offer grace. And yet we still struggle to connect sexually- It's complicated! We are not able to maintain the intimacy quality and sometimes the quantity as well in our marriage.
Sex is always supposed to be "easy" and fun "part" about marriage. That would be amazing, wouldn't it? If it was always carefree and full of pleasure, without any kind of expectations or negative feelings involved?
But the heartwrenching truth is that we have different sex drives, Aarav is so tired after working so long, that he is not in the mood, he is giving all his time and energy to his career, and it's directly impacting our sex life. He wants it less and now feels like its a chore or marital duty. It creates a sense of rejection and loneliness every time a pass is batted away.
The reality is that I am rarely on the same level, so how do I keep this sensitive issue from ruining other areas of our relationship?
Aarohi! Don't base your marriage only on sex, sex is just one ingredient towards intimacy. Just because you are not doing like bunnies, doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Look at your emotional connection, not just your physical. Go on date nights if possible, take frequent walks, ask open-ended questions, stay curious about each other and most of all Quality over quantity is more important when it comes to sex!
But Shreya, as days are passing by, due to lack of a healthy sex life I am suffering insomnia which in turn leads to anxiety and depression.
Aarohi! Why don't you approach him and try to rekindle your love life?
Shreya! I have approached him many times, some nights turn out so fascinating but that is like once in a blue moon. But some nights are so dark that he questions me-" What's wrong with you? Is this all you want? Is marriage a license to do only sex?"
I have asked him - Why he is not interested in sex so often? Does he even remember when was the last time he touched me? But he was unable to explain what had gone wrong. Although he is a caring husband. He make sure that I and Ansh( my son - 2 years old) live a comfortable lifestyle. He work hard to achieve all his goals. I always lie about our sex-life to our friends because I am scared of the outcome- what everyone would think? As we are the youngest couple in family and friends. In six years of our marriage, we share many things in common but we miss the beat with our sex drive.
Don't we all have desires? Don't we all want a healthy sex life? I am jealous of my friends when they share their sexual adventures.
Aarohi! ask him how he likes to connect physically and emotionally. They are not mind readers. Be specific and very explicit, that it makes you feel valued and loved. It is about feeling wanted, feeling connected. Do not sit there silently or verbally protesting about the problems, rather in love communicate early and often. Sexual intimacy starts with emotional intimacy, and you already mentioned that you have a good bonding, so grab this and take it in a positive way and try to snatch his good time for you.
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Most married couples encounter the same version of this feeling at some point of time in their married life due to diverse reasons. Sex is not only a physical connection, but an act of love which makes the partner feel valued and loved. A sex-starved marriage is one where one spouse is desperately longing for more touch, more closeness, and more physical affection, because it is about feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling connected, which other spouse is thinking "what's the big deal"! It is just sex.
And when this major disconnect happens, it places the marriage at risk of infidelity or divorce. Communicating things make the things easier and develop a deep sense of trust.
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