Mommy wants to stop being mommy!! #it's complicated

 This morning was like every other. My eyes struggled to open as I dragged myself from the threaded waves of bedsheets. A new day with more of the same.

Dishes were piled in the sink, my kids' toys, and my husband's clothes scattered everywhere. It sends me into a cleaning frenzy.

Through the first cup of coffee, I'm the most unlikeable protagonist: angry and restless for no reason. I danced through the morning, a dizzying array of choreographed routines to get my kids ready for their school. Lunches were packed, chores were complete without giving my thought the chance to stack and investigate. I moved, and I kept moving and I didn't stop until the day's end.When I heard my kids and husband calling my name in the evening, I said to myself- Mommy is done!! Mommy wants to leave, Mommy wants to stop being Mommy for just five minutes.

My exterior says I'm strong, confident determined, brave, fearless, and resilient. Inside I'm weak, insecure, dark, and broken. I feel defeated and too tired to even cry. And then, the rage sets in. I try to calm my anger by counting 1 to 10 before I start yelling. 

I can be all the things everyone expects me to be, at the same time, the fire inside me will eventually consume me, if left to its volition. My heart hurts because I love my family but I lose my temper over and over. I wonder where my smile went. I wasn't always this way though. Why I face difficult emotions ranging from anger to sadness?

There are some days , when I may not interact with anyone at all. Social isolation leads to sadness and resentfulness. One of the main reason of my behaviour is a lack of appreciation. I work 365 days in a year, with no sick time, vacation time or time paid off. Even though I have been busy during the day I am  always pinpointed what I did during the day. I work hard to maintain my relationships because that's where my life is focussed on.

Today while sleeping my younger one said- "Mom, when I see you smiling, I love that moment, but it seems you have forgotten how to smile?" That was the real clinche for me, I need to do something to break this cycle, so it doesn't affect my kids. I saw the acceptance of real version of me- the one not buried by the sadness and depression- in my child's eyes. At the same moment , I decided , so tomorrow when I  will open my eyes, I'll try to start my new day differently, will join mom's group, club or gym, so as to boost my happiness and will allow some personal me time each week to satisfy me and spread the happiness around me.

No matter what I feel, or what the day might bring I will be always there sunshine.

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BEYOND THE POINT  I would say 

" Make the most of yourself, for that is all there for you".

So often as humans, we believe we need to push ourselves beyond what we can handle. When we give ourselves so much, we start to lose our individuality. Saying NO to someone just to have ME TIME  means we are strong enough to be alone without fear of judgment or worthlessness. It's always motivational to know that we are worth it and can love being alone. 

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DEAR READERS,

Please do share your views in the comments box, isn't it tough to raise kids, it requires lot of patience, as well as unique and silent changes within the mom. Do you think the same?

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